Whats in MY name?

Its just an eight letters word. And its not even Russian to have silent words all over the name. But no person spells it correctly. I can easily count the number of times that my name was spelled correctly by a person in the first time itself and as far as I can remember it is twice. One is my Mother when she named me and second was one of my college friend who wrote the correct spelling mistakenly. The reason is mainly my mom. My name though so common, its spelled in different ways and my mom wrote it in an unique way. And when I say unique, I mean it. I havent seen even a single person with a similar name, spelling in the way I do. So my biggest problem all the time is that I have to spell my name whenever any person asks to write it down. And many of them think they are award winners in spell-bee contest, that they always write wrong spelling even if I had given them my name in writing.

The best example is my driving license. I wrote my name very clearly in my application form yet the spelling came different in the card. Another instance can be seen easily with the certificates that I got for winning different competitions in School. Though I shouldnt be talking high of myself, I admit that I was very studious as well as talented in many ways as my teachers say(dont laugh) and will always end up with lot of prizes and certificates on the Annual day functions. While every kid would be looking at the prize as soon as they get it on the stage, I would be there looking at my certificates checking whether my name is written correctly. There are few certificates that I won in my kindergarden classes that I am worried that I couldn't claim as my own as they were in different spelling. I wonder if my career growth would have been better if I had those. :(

But having an unique name(spelling) has its own advantages too. It makes me unique everywhere and I am always proud of it. There will be no confusion when there are more persons in a group with the same name as mine. I stand up with a different spelling. But its greatest advantage is in the Internet. I can register in many websites with my exact name as the username. I dont have to add any number or some prefix, postfix like hai_____, ____rockstar, itsme___ or _____mail or anything at all. But still I couldnt get email address in Yahoo and Google mail with my name. Someone wrote their name wrongly while creating their email address.

If you feel all these confusions are caused, because my mom wanted me to be unique in every way and decided that my name should also be unique, you are 80% correct. For there is a 5+5% reason that I am unique is the speed in which I speak and how I write.(Read the Top 1 and 4th weirdest thing about me). But I still dont know what the final 10% reason is. And I am thinking of starting an orkut community to search for the reason. These days, it gives better solutions than going to detective agencies.

READERS BEWARE! - Free thoughts ahead

When I started blogging, it appeared as a way of expressing free thoughts to the world without any boundaries or inhibitions from the persons around us. I used it to say whatever I wanted, whatever I feel and whatever I dreamt. It showed everything that I wish to tell others. But slowly, once my blog got recognized within the persons I know, I felt that I am losing the "Free thought". I became careful in choosing what I want to say. I couldnt comment on people who knows about my blog. I couldnt make them understand that whatever I write in my blog is my inner thoughts and need not be interpreted in the real world. I might be angry at a person and would vent out my frustration in the blog. But I would forget it immediately and will be friends again. But what if the other person do not understand this. Also if I had to raise opinions on someone, will that person take it in a positive way? I also had instances in which I had to edit posts on behalf of some of my readers. I couldnt post my inner feelings as I know there are some persons whom I dont want to know about it. I stopped blogging for sometime as I couldnt find any post suitable for my audience. And thats when I realised I have lost my reason for blogging. Its supposed to be my own free thought not a stage performance of the audience in my blog.
Then I decided that I will not consider anyone for writing anypost in my blog and it will be anything that I think, feel and dream. It wont be biased to any person who might read this. I am just going to speak my open mind here. And that is one of the main reasons I moved from my previous site to here.
(The other reason is that Blogspot offers more features than blogdrive)

But you might wonder why I am saying these now.
Its just to let you know that if by any chance, you happen to reach my blog, and if by any chance you know me personally, please remember that you are looking into my mind and whatever is there, need not be applicable with me in the real world. Leave my thoughts in the blog where they are and dont take it up in the real world. I wont be responsible if you take it personal.

With everything clear between us now, lets see whats in my mind more through this blog.

Choice!

Life is not about making the right choice.

Its about making the choice right for you.

Honey! Its too late

Continuation from "Honey! Are you ok?" which is continued from Honey! Lets Break Up.

I have been trying to find a way how to say that I want to break up with her. And here she is asking me the question straight at my face. Now I don’t know what to say.

“What?” was all I could respond.
“Do you like me or not?”
“What are you talking about?” I tried to keep a puzzled face.
“I can’t see you like this anymore. Do you think I haven’t noticed you?” She asked.
So you have been noticing all this time but never said anything was all I could think of.
But I kept the same words to her. “What are you talking about?”
Its really interesting to think that you know what you have to say but you don’t say it for reasons that you don’t know. I was not able to say anything to her.
This time, I really tried hard to look puzzled. Anyone who would have seen my face would consider that Mr. Bean has a handsome face.
“Don’t lie to me”
“Seriously, why are you asking these stupid things” I tried to laugh.
“Do you think asking “Do you like me?” is STUPID?” She shouted.
That made me silent. I can’t talk aloud now.
“No. what I mean is...” I tried to talk.
“Do you think I am stupid just blabbing all the time”, she was furious.
“Of course not” I tried to keep an innocent face. But it’s not working.
“Then tell me, whats wrong?” she was stubborn.
I didn’t know what to say. The service guy kept the croissant and Tropical Iceberg on the table and left. I dragged the Tropical iceberg towards me and started to stir it analyzing it. She was still looking at me and I was looking at the iceberg. She was not ready to give up and so was I. I want to know how the Tropical iceberg was made. She repeated her question as if I didn’t hear her before.
“Do you love me or not?”.
That is an excellent question. It made me recall the scene from Spiderman 2 when Mary Jane asks Peter “Do you love me or not?”. And I remember that a car will come crashing into the restaurant. I suddenly got scared. Is this some kind of Déjà vu. I just turned around to see if there are any cars outside. None I could see. Little relaxed, I turned back and found her still staring at me. I choose to analyze the iceberg again. Was this named after the iceberg that hit the Titanic? I felt pain in my eyes. It was like my eyes were burning. And I know the reason. She was staring at me. I should do something or else, she will burn me with her eyes.
I can see the ice cubes in the Tropical iceberg melting.
I must tell something to her. But I don’t know what to say. All the preparations I had made all the way evaporated away leaving me still thinking what to say instead of how to say.

At this point, someone came and sat next to her. Before I could object, he spoke. “Hi there.” He was wearing a T-shirt and jeans and looked exactly like me. First confused but then I realized it must be my soul. But aren’t souls supposed to be wearing white. Is this some day that the souls are allowed to wear casuals. May be it got dirty. And then it started talking to me as they talk in all those movies.

(For your understanding here, my soul would be talking in Italics.)
“Come on. Tell her that you don’t love her. Tell her that you are dumping her” She was still staring at me.
May be I could toss a coin to determine what to say. No. I am never good at coin toss. But what will I wish for. That’s the biggest question for me. I got confused.
I said “of course.... of course I love you”

My soul was not happy at all. It was shaking its head and was advising me again. “What are you talking idiot. You know what you have to say. Don’t waste this opportunity.”
“Really?” She asked doubtfully.
“Go ahead. Tell her that you don’t like her”
I don’t know what to say. Do I love her or not? It was a question I don’t know the answer.
“Yeah! I love you. What are you talking about?” I said.

“No! No! You are not making any sense. Tell her the truth. You have practicing to say it for many months. Now don’t screw it up.”

“Really, there is nothing” I shook my shoulders as if there isn’t anything to worry about.
“Are you sure, you are ok?” She persisted but with a hope in her eyes.
”Please, I beg you. Tell her. Don’t think that she will cry. Let her cry. Tell her”
“I mean... yeah. whats the problem. What are you.. worried about?”
“Then why were you acting weird all this time. Why weren’t you calling me for such a long time?”
“That’s because he don’t want to talk with you”
My soul was telling her which she obviously couldn’t hear. How advantageous it is that your soul can talk only to you as if the communication has been encrypted and a Virtual Private Network tunnel has been established between you and your soul alone!
I couldn’t answer that. I kept staring at the Tropical iceberg.
“Why didn’t you bother to tell me that you are promoted? I had to find it out from someone else.”
Now who is that &@%&^@#@$&$ who told her about the promotion, is all that I was wondering. Obviously someone has been spying on me. My secret base has been infiltrated and I wanted to know who that is.
I kept staring at the drink while she kept on questioning me why, why and why.
I kept my face down looking into the drink liking a school kid not answering any of the questions that the teacher asks hoping that the teacher will get bored and leave after sometime. We used to call it as the Ahimsa treatment. So I was doing the same to her. Whatever she asked, I would just stare at the drink occasionally shaking my head or moving my shoulders saying no.
“Why is that you didn’t even care to tell me that you were going on a tour last week?”
And then it hit me. My analysis on the iceberg was complete. There were 12 ice cubes in the drink. With each ice cube of size 1 cubic inch size, it would leave a space of only 100 ml of drink in the cup. I had been paying 40 rupees for 100ml of plain coffee. I had been cheated by Coffee Day all this time.
“Stop trying to solve the world economy you dumbo. Come back to the real world”, my soul started to scold me again.
But I am such a person who never listens to the soul.
”Nothing. I said nothing. I am fine”, I assured her.
”Honey, are you ok?” She asked again.
“Yeah” I replied.
“Are you happy between us?” she asked again. Her eyes were probing to find any uncertainty within me.
”Do you want me to say no?” I acted defensive to her question. I know she don’t want me to answer no.
”of course not. I love you too”
“Then what?” I raised my voice. Best way of defense is offense. And it helped me well.
I could see a small smile on her face.
”is it?” she joked.
”what……Yeah!” I tried to look honest.
My soul was completely broken. It stood up and swore bad at me that even I have never swore at anyone like that before and went off in a puff.

She was still looking into my eyes, but it was cooler. I always how can girl’s eyes can become red hot as well as cool breeze anytime they want. Its as if though they have a temperature regulator fitted in their eyes.
”I really love you.” I reassured her.
She was smiling well. “Me too”, she said.
”I was really busy... you know. I didn’t have even for myself. I mean.... I couldn’t spend time for yourself.. I mean.. for you” I was stammering trying to catch words from the air.
Its always hard for me to lie without proper preparations. And combined with her cool eyes, its hard even to talk anything different from truth.
I looked into her eyes and said “I assure you, there is nothing wrong”
“Are you sure, you are ok?”
“So you don’t believe me?” I asked her.
”Of course, I believe you” She was laughing now.
”I really really love you”. I said again. I didn’t know whether I was lying or telling the truth.
”okay....” She replied still looking at me.
”What okay? What else to say?”
She smiled. “I am sorry I asked you like that. I was just afraid about you?”
“Don’t worry. Your boy friend is not bewitched by any beautiful witches.”
She laughed and then put her hands on mine and smiled “I love you too”.

”okay okay.” I couldn’t take any more. “ Enough of this. Lets go somewhere” I said and got up to leave.
My soul was no where to be seen. May be it went inside me again.
”No. It’s ok. It’s already late” she resisted.
”No way. We are going to the ice-cream parlor now. So lets go soon.” I continued.
”Honey! Its too late. We can go some other day.”

I took her hands and dragged her from the chair and we walked towards the exit.
She gave up at last and came along. When we reached the door, she again resisted and pulled away her hands from me all of a sudden.
I was not ready to give up and pulled her again and tried to go out of the door pulling her. Interested more on taking her out, I didn’t notice the family who were trying to enter through the door which I have been blocking for sometime. The old person who was standing outside patted my shoulders and I moved aside still holding her hands. She was trying everyway to escape from my hold. The old person was still standing outside and tapped me again. I was wondering if he wanted me to move away and then I saw him pointing to my hand angrily. He was asking me to leave her hand. I also got angry and would have shouted at him “Mind your own business ......” had it not been for her to pull away from my grasp and shout “That’s my dad”! Hearing that, luckily, I didn’t faint. I just fell off backwards crashing on the table behind and breaking my arms.

Its been exactly six years since that event happened. My daughter came to me trying to look into the notebook wondering what I am smiling about. “What are you reading daddy?” she asked. “Hmm... a moral story honey!” was all I could tell her. She looked beautiful right like her mom. “So what is the moral of the story daddy?” she asked curiously. My wife had been telling her moral stories at nights.
I thought for a while and sighed “The moral is.... The squeaky wheel gets the grease”
She looked confused and asked “What does it mean daddy?”
“It means Speak when you have to” and for me “Speak whats in your mind when you have to”.
She still couldn’t understand it. She turned around and ran out of the room and the dog with my name followed her still barking “Bow bow”. It hasn’t learnt English yet.

GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have one more game to be added to the list of games I have played. And its Foosball. For those who dont know what it is, it is football in a small table. No no no. 22 players need not stand on the table to play the game. Actually, we need only 2 or 4 players to play the game. And they too wont be standing on the table. Neither will they use their legs. May be thats why they are using the term Foosball instead of Table football. It is more like a foot ball video game, with player like dolls attached in sticks which extend along the width of the table. And players on both sides will swivel their players using the sticks to shoot the goal.

Having watched the game many times on TV, not in sports but in many movies and shows. The episodes from friends in which Joey and Chandler would go to buy a dining table and return with a football table and the last one in which Monica breaks(smashes) it down to resuce the Chick Jr. and Duck Jr. always made me interested in the game. And it looked like we dont need any strength to play the game which made me obviously more interested in it. Atlast when I reached US for the project work, I found that apart from dining tables in the cafetaria, they have football table as well and was very sure that I can play the game easily and will become the champion in the office. The client might get impressed by my expertise in the game and would never want to leave me.

With such great thoughts, I was trying to choose the partner for my very first game. And when I got Srikanth, I thought may be I will start with an easy win. So there I was waiting to score goal in the very first shot and the game started. I was bit worried that there were no camera to cover the first goal but got satisfied when I found a survillence camera pointing towards us. I can ask a copy of the video tape once the game is over. When the ball neared my forwards, I swiveled the stick and the ball went fast and far and reached the goal keeper. It was a slight miss from... becoming a self side goal. The ball had gone backwards and reached my goal keeper. Srikanth must have thought that it was how we should play the game and most of his starts ended up back to his goal keepers or luckily for me, it would reach the goal posts. We were fighting on hitting self side goals more often that one in two goals will be self side. After a tough battle, Srikanth won over in hitting more self side goals and I was declared the winner.

And Foosball happens to be the second in the games in which I had won the very first game itself. The first is Pool(Billiards) in which my opponent hit the black ball before finishing the last stripe ball on the board. Though I had 3 plain colored balls on the board, I was declared the winner. Thats my luck with all the games. Lets see if my luck continues in all other games I might get to play in the future.

After wishing Srikanth for better luck the next time and telling him some of my secret tips on how not to hit the ball, I sneaked to the security tapes room to make sure the tape will never be seen by anyone.

PS: I have learnt to hit the ball in the forward direction and I have become the best person in passing the ball to the opponents. There is no limit of praises from even my opponents though my partner always used to tell something that I have never heard before.

Lost love - A thought from a forward

I am not used to posting the mail forwards in my blog. But I got this mail forward today and it made me think. Is this what people call as

"The cup is half-full" or is this "The Truth"

".......

LOVE...

Once, there was this guy, who was in love with a gal. She wasn't the most beautiful and
gorgeous but for him, she was everything.
He used to dream about her, about spending the rest of life with her. His friends told him,
"why do you dream so much about her, when you don't even know if she loves you or not?
First tell her your feelings, and get to know if she likes you or not".
He felt that was the right way. The girl knew from the beginning, that this guy loves her.
One day when he proposed, she rejected him.
His friends thought he would take to alcohol; drugs etc. and ruin his life.
To their surprise, he was not depressed.
When they asked him how was it that he is not sad, he replied,
"'why should I feel bad? I lost one who never loved me & she lost the one
who really loved and cared for her."

......"

How true!

Leading the way

Every attempt I make
to lead the way
is beaten by the right leg in
the very next step.
But still I never give up.
-- Left leg

Call from home

After coming to US, I had talked with my parents only once. Its been more than 20 days now. The main problem is that I dont have a phone line near me and I couldnt get calling card to call India. So most of my communications were through my uncle who has a computer at home. So this weekend, I asked him to call mom and dad to chat with me. And I talked with them for a long time today. It was good. 2 hours of voice chat, thanks to Google Talk for providing such an easier way of communication. We chatted about everyone there and my sister Manicka was the same mischievious as usual. While on the call, I also created a blog for her, as she is very creative and have written stories as well. One such beautiful story is now posted in her blog.

I was not sure what to name her blog. So I asked hers to choose the name and the conversation went on like this.

Manicka: ethavathu name kudu

(Give any name)

Me: Ok. I will give the name as "Manicka is a stupid girl"

Manicka: (shouting) Youuuuuuuuuu

Me: Tell me something nice

Manicka: Manicka is a good girlnu potuka.

Me: Is the word "good" spelled as "B-A-D"?

Manicka: Youuuuu. that is bad. Good is spelled as "G-O-O-D".

Me: No no. You are wrong. "G-O-O-D" is bad.

Manicka: Youu. Put Manicka is a GOOD girl.

Thus, Manicka's blog is named as http://manicka-goodgirl.blogspot.com.

It will contain her writings including letters to me and her drawings and paintings too.

Look at this blog for more updates.

PS: I am maintaining her blog till she learns how to create posts in the blog by herself.

Honey! Are you ok?

Continuation from the story “Honey! Let’s break up!” posted here.

It’s been at least 3 months since I had set my alarm clock. After all, it too cheated me all the time. Not that it didn’t do its duty by waking me up in the morning. It does that job well. In fact, I sometimes fell out of bed in shock of the sound that it makes. It scared me to the nerves when I had watched a war movie the night before and there were lot of sirens in that movie. Obviously, I was having a dream of that in which I was the Army commander trying to seek in to the enemy base and God knows why I was there to steal the banana from the fridge. I had almost accomplished my mission that I was inside the kitchen (of the enemy military base) with my hands near the fridge door. And that’s when the alarm went off and I felt the siren in my dreams and was shot from every direction with machine guns that fired dart pins.
I woke up screaming and had to check for any holes on me to be sure that it was only a dream. So it did a very good job. But the part was it always failed the reason why I would set the alarm for that day. It never helped me in telling her about the break up. And for that reason, I stopped using alarm clock and never made any chances to tell her. I was feeling bad of course and I blamed her for making me hate the alarm clock. If only she could have understood what was in my mind.... My mobile beeped. It’s the morning message from her. In every other day, I would have read it. It would mostly be “Good morning Shabby! Lazy one! Dirty fellow! Yawning puppy! Sleeping donkey! My sweetheart!” Something silly. But something interesting. But today, I don’t want to read it. It always makes me feel that someone is stuffing my mouth full of chocolates making me not able to speak when I was trying to say that I have diabetes. So I just got up and went for the shower. When I came back, my mobile beeped again.
I decided to check the message. It was not her. It was the message from my cellular provider. “Have the latest songs from Devdas as your ring tones for free. Just call XXXXX and say devdas.” And it did have the final part of the message “Calls charged at premium rates”. So basically, you wont be charged for the tunes, but you are definitely charged (at premium) for calling them to get the tunes for free. That is what I call an interesting offer. But I am not interested in that. So I deleted it and saw the other new message.
It was not from her. It was from my friend who is supposed to come to my home today. It said “Open the door”. That’s when I found out that there were 10+ missed calls. Oh oh! I am in deep trouble. I ran downstairs fast and opened the door just to find out that the boy from the laundry about to knock the door. He was quite surprised to see me, as he used to be the one who would wake me up on weekends trying his best not to break the door. But I ignored him and went outside to search for my friend. The laundry kid looked puzzled and said “Brother, I am here”. He had thought that I am still sleeping and couldn’t see him. I gave him a stare and went to the backyard of the house to see if my friend was trying to get through the back door which I always keep closed. He was not there and he hasn’t broken the door. So I came back to the front door and the laundry boy was sure that something is wrong with me. He gave another puzzled look and walked away. May be he went to call the mental hospital. For me that was better than getting beaten up by my friend. Then my mobile beeped again.
When I opened it, it was her. But it was not the usual morning message. It said “Sall v meet @ CD at SS”. She have learnt the sms lingo very much that I had to call her sometimes to understand it. But now the message was clear. “Shall we meet at Coffee Day at Sunset (6PM)” That was not her style. Her message will usually be like a commander rather than a negotiator. Her last similar message was “CD @ SS”. It’s like “Do as I am told. No questions asked. Just obey and you will live”. It also gave me a chill that made me feel as if though I am a CIA agent communicating with secret codes. When I started walked back towards my house, If found the door closed. My mobile beeped again. “Stay outside for an hour &^$@#&^%&^#%$ (censored). I started banging the door and it helped me to convince my friend to open the door in 59:55 seconds. How he got into the house was something not to be discussed as some thieves might use that idea. I had to allocate 5k of my funds for the repairs on the window of my bed room.
The evening appeared and I was little thoughtful why she had messaged me like that. Some part of my mind said that she might have understood my long time goal of telling her that I don’t want to be together anymore. And I am prepared to face it in every way I can. I won’t be cheated neither by her smile nor her tears. You should know that months of longing to do something gives you strength that you can never imagine. So I am completely ready for anything. But the other part of my mind said it might be something else different. And my mind kept on wondering why there were no calls from her either. Not that I want her to call me. But it was very strange for her. So when I started from my house in the evening, my mind was trying to figure out what would be on her mind and I realized that I am already late.
When I reached the Coffee Day, she was already in our usual desk. The service guy has become a friend of mine by this time that he never asks for order instead bring them automatically. I would always order the croissant and a Tropical iceberg. When I reached the desk, I found her in no good mood. Her face was swollen and she was not in her usual make up which always made her look bright even when she is near the Aishwarya Rai wallpaper that is on the wall behind her. I suddenly felt if she is going to say that is engaged to someone else. I wondered if I should be happy or not. I didn’t feel happy though. So I started the talk.

“So nice dress again?”
“Hmm hmm...” she replied.
“Same order?”
“Hmm...” she said.
“Its hot”, I know it was very cold.
“Yeah...” she accepted. I became worried. Something is definitely wrong.
“Hey! What’s up”, I asked trying to look at her face. She still kept her head down as if though looking at her feet.
“Hey! whats up da” I added. And then she started crying. I could see tears rushing through her eyes all of a sudden. She was trying not to make others hear her cry. Though her hands tried to wipe the tears off, there was no sign of the tears stopping to flow. In few seconds, tears were wetting the table and her hands were full of tears. And my heart stopped to beat. I really didn’t understand why she was crying. I moved toward her side and held her to my shoulders “Hey! What happened? Why are you crying?”. But she couldnt stop. She used her kerchief to stop the tears. But in no more than 2 seconds, they were completely wet. I couldnt do anything but hold her close and give her my shoulder to cry. She was crying like a baby. My imaginations went from her getting married to someone to someone important in her family die and even to some bizarre effect from the incurable diseases as shown in Indian movies. I had to hit myself to stop thinking stupid. Then I noticed that many persons were already staring at me. I gave them the innocent look, “I swear I didn’t do anything”. But still they kept staring back. And the waiter was walking towards me with an angry face. But he had a big belly and shouted “Take the bike”.
I was wondering where he is asking me to go. I still gave an innocent look. When he came near he transformed into traffic police and that’s when I realized that I was in my bike still waiting at the signal. I had been dreaming all the time. Not ready to slim out my wallet, I rushed fast before he could reach me and I succeeded it. It was not his lucky day. I reached Coffee Day atlast and rushed faster to our desk. She was not sitting there though. I found her sitting in a corner table which she usual chooses when there is something important to talk about. The importance would mostly be for her and I would usually be saying “really?? (With an exclamation)” or “I am sorry for that” (with a sorrowful face). I wondered what is there for me today.
She wasn’t crying like the way I saw in my dream. But she looked prepared for something. When I said hi, she looked at me though her eyes were looking somewhere else. I think I am going to say sorry today. I waved my hands to the service guy and we communicated with signs. I showed him my left index finger twice and he replied back with his thumb and left index finger touching each other and the other fingers pointing out. That means he have understood what I said. And then he asked me something by keeping his fingers open and beating a drum that doesn’t exist. I really didn’t know what he said, but I waved my hands upward meaning “Go ahead”. He also gave me a puzzled look and turned away.
With the message sent, I sat down facing her. She kept her head turned to the side obviously watching the wall. So I also tried to follow her by seeing the wall. The problem was that there was nothing there and so I resorted to look at her face instead. She faced me after sometime with some determination in her face. This must be about the dress that I had promised to buy for her. But it was not.
She said “What’s wrong with you?”.
That was an unexpected question.
“Nothing” I gave a puzzled look.
“Tell me. What’s wrong with you?”
“What’s wrong with me?” I was really puzzled.
“You tell me. What’s happening to you?”
“Nothing different” I looked at myself to assure that I am fine.
“Don’t you like me?” She asked bluntly.

I was shocked. Totally shocked. Except that there was no electricity passing through me.

To be continued.........